And How Women have been Doing It for Millennia 

Just to be quite clear up front, I’m definitely a feminist. I think it’s ridiculous that women earn 70 cents to a man’s dollar and that in spite of making up half the country’s population we comprise only 17% of Congress. Women’s behavior and clothing is subject to severe scrutiny, and their ideas can be discounted because of their skirt length. 

Like I said. Ridiculous. 

However, if you think that women have always rolled over and meekly accepted the superiority of men, you’re missing huge chunks of our human heritage. Since the earliest days of recorded history women have been finding creative, subversive ways to (sometimes literally) screw the patriarchy. 

You would like to know how our mothers prevailed? I thought you’d never ask. 

Sex

Yep, this one’s as old as the hills. Whether by using the promise of happy times as a carrot, taking advantage of the glow to distract a dude, or withholding rewards until compliance is served, women have seemingly always managed to lead men around by the nose using this one physical drive. 

I’m really not sure who I’m more ashamed of here. 

Moralizing 

On the other side of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy we find women more or less the sole gatekeepers of morality. It’s why female virginity is so much more emphasized than its male counterpart. It’s also why women spearheaded prohibition. It’s also probably why men’s car insurance goes down when they get married. That shit is effective. And lest you wonder why this isn’t up under sex, it doesn’t take a romantic attachment for a woman to pull a man’s moral strings. Which brings us to…

Motherhood

Seriously. You have a mother, right? No explanation needed. There’s something terrifying about someone who brought you into the world and has seen you naked. You listen. 

Supporting 

“Behind every strong man is a good woman,” or something like that. 

I’m guessing we will never know how many brilliant ideas and inventions originating with women were adopted and attributed to their husbands/brothers/fathers/sons. How many sermons were written by the smiling wife in the front pew? How many First Ladies have influenced foreign and domestic policy? How many books have lazy and untalented men ripped off? Oh yeah, that definitely happened. They didn’t get credit, but they pretty much made up for it by running the world. 

Impersonating 

When all else fails, women have been known to resort to just straight-up pretending to be men. Male pseudonym, anyone? Or at least male-looking initials? Dressing in pants and riding off to fight a war? Yes, and yes again. 

In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s to screwing the patriarchy. 

We are Woman. We will not be stopped.