Parenting Advice From My Mother

My mother was…not always equipped to be a good mother. She started young, and her inner demons made it hard for her to be the person she wanted to be for her children.

But when it came to parenting advice, hers was pretty sound. Here are some of my favorite parenting tips that I borrowed from my mother.

You are Raising Adults, Not Children

My ex-father-in-law could also give good advice.

“Focus on where you want to go, not what you want to avoid.”

That is good advice for not riding your bike into a tree (the original context). It’s also applicable to almost everything else.

I find that I succeed most often when I set a clear goal and then focus on working towards it, instead of randomly doing things and hoping they work out. Maybe it’s my inner Capricorn, but I like to focus on the end result, not the nitty gritty details.

The end result of parenting is (we hope!) a functional, well-adjusted adult member of society.

I have a simple rule of thumb for deciding how important an issue is: will this affect my child’s adulthood in a serious way?

Is this a skill they will need and use when they are grown?

Is this something they can easily learn later in life, or does it need to become part of their life foundation?

For example: I don’t care if my kids use swear words. I do care that they don’t use them in hurtful ways.

Adults use swear words, whether or not they were allowed to say them as children. But a habit of saying cruel things to people is a real detriment to a person on so many levels.

My kid won’t change his shirt. Is this going to affect him in 15 years? Nope.

My daughter lashes out at her brothers when she’s in a bad mood. Will that matter when she’s an adult? You bet!

So that’s how I choose my battles.

Be an Advocate, Not an Adversary

This piece of advice was one my mom liked to dish out to parents of teens.

Teenagers are hard to live with. They are hard for themselves to live with. Their job is to start separating from the family unit and eventually become an independent individual.

With an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, that means teenagers bring a lot of unskilled confrontations to the table.

It’s important for us, as the parents, to remember that our child is not the enemy, even when they sort of act like it. We need to model mature communication styles. We need to help and support our teens through this incredibly disruptive time in their lives.

They might not always be on our side, but we should always be on theirs.

Feel free to throw this back in my face. I don’t know how to do most of what I just spouted. But it is good advice.

Almost Everything is More Important than Housework

This is just true, ok? It’s also an area where my mom definitely led by example.

I like a reasonably clean house as much as the next person, but I know that in ten years my home will be painfully clean and my babies will be off on their own adventures.

If I want to be there for them, I have to do it now. That often means that I don’t have the time or energy to mop the floor, fold the laundry or squeegee the windows.

And I don’t enjoy cleaning. So in my “free” time I am more likely to sit down and read than to dust the bookshelf. But if you enjoy cleaning – want to come hang out? At my house. To clean.

Don’t Take it Personally

Kids know how to push our buttons. Maybe it’s because they came from inside us. Maybe it’s because they have studied us their whole lives.

Whatever the reason, your kid is going to do something, probably today but certainly this week, that you react badly to.

Kids will tell you that you are fat, and that you are lazy. They’ll call you names. They will call you names in your ex’s voice.

They will yell at you like your mom used to. They’ll insult your cooking and your intelligence and your sense of style. They will criticize you for feeding them vegetables, or for giving them candy before dinner that one time when they were four.

Kids will cuss you out. They’ll poke at your greatest insecurities. They will inconvenience you at the most inconvenient times and they will embarrass you and have the gall to accuse you of embarrassing them.

It hurts when your child tells you they like their teacher better than you. So, if you are or plan to be a parent, start growing that tough hide now.

Your kids are going to speak their truth. It’s important that you make space for them to explore their own feelings and communication styles and opinions without putting your fragile emotions on them.

Your children don’t exist to give you an ego boost or to validate your existence. Stop hanging your feelings on their actions.

I find two concepts helpful in this endeavor:

First, one must always remember that children do not approach things with adult sensibilities. They may use a word they have heard someone else use that seems to capture their feelings, while not being aware of the full import of that word. They will say what they think with no filter whatsoever (“These peas are gross!”) where an adult would probably just grin and bear it. They don’t (usually) mean to hurt you, they just don’t always understand how hurtful they are being.

Second, these moments are a great opportunity to establish emotional boundaries. Your child will not always need you or want you around. They are allowed to be separate people. They don’t have to like everything you do. And you get to teach them (if you can keep your butthurt feelings out of the way) how to express these things in ways that are kind and thoughtful.

Your children don’t exist to give you an ego boost or to validate your existence. Stop hanging your feelings on their actions.

It’s a Phase

“This too shall pass,” as my mother’s mother used to say.

The most useful things I have ever learned as a parent came from an Intro to Psychology class I took when my kids were preschool age. Specifically, from the chapter on child development.

It turns out that most of the most distressing parts of raising children are considerably less distressing when you realize that they are entirely age-appropriate and developmentally expected.

Your three-year-old will probably regress in the realm of potty training for a few months.

Your five-year-old is going to lie. A lot.

Your first grader will suddenly need naps again.

Your nine-year-old is going to be moody and irritable.

You should always talk to a professional if you are concerned. But more than likely you’ll find out that whatever bizarre thing your offspring is doing is normal.

This is all normal. Kids are doing the most important job in the world – growing up. It’s complicated, and sometimes from the outside it looks like they are going backwards or even turning into tiny little psychopaths.

But when you understand that at five years old, children are learning to distinguish fact from fiction, and that they learn this by experimenting, you can come alongside and help them learn without assigning the label “liar” to a child who isn’t yet capable of understanding the concept of truth.

You should always talk to a professional if you are concerned. But more than likely you’ll find out that whatever bizarre thing your offspring is doing is normal.

---

I’m no parenting expert, but if you want me to tell you that you are doing a great job raising those small people, leave a comment and I’ll be happy to oblige.