I like to play around with words. Forgiveness, in its original and primary sense, refers to the cancellation of a debt. According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word comes from for–, (probably meaning in this case “completely,”) and giefan, meaning “to give”. So when you forgive a debt, you basically just change whatever the person owes you into a gift.

It’s interesting to apply this to the idea of forgiving someone for a wrong they have done to you. The concept begs a lot of questions. 

First, there’s the implication that someone who wronged me therefore owes me something. This makes perfect sense if someone stole from me, but how does it apply to other offenses? 

I suppose many of the wrongs we commit against each other can be seen as a form of stealing. A person can steal another’s innocence or their sense of safety. My abuser stole years of my life, my energy, my confidence, and my youth.

Sometimes we forgive a financial debt because we feel sorry for the debtor, or because we understand that everyone runs up against hard times and people are doing their best. Sometimes, however, we forgive a debt because it’s taking up too much time, space and energy to keep it in our accounts. We just want to close the books from three years ago and so we write off the debt owed to us as a loss, treating it as if it had been a gift in the first place. 

It hit me last night that I’m ready to forgive a huge chunk of the damage that was done to me as a child. That doesn’t mean I’ve reached some amazing point in my healing journey; it means that it is safe and makes sense for me to let go of the accounts now. I am no longer in a position to be damaged further by my abuser. There is no recourse, nothing that could restore what was taken from me. I don’t need the reminder of the damage done, because I’ve developed boundaries that are serving me well in my current circumstances.

I think that often forgiveness isn’t about the other person at all. You are just ready to clear up your accounts and move forward. But that’s a decision you get to make for yourself, and you have no obligation to anyone to do so ever – not even to yourself. Sometimes keeping those accounts open is the best thing to do for yourself. Sometimes closing them is best. Only you know which is right for you.